Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Toni.


What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taster. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety ... WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs. Awesome!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.


But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible
way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad ... I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution;
there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A------ that hurt like
he--!!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return.


Still in shock,


Tommy